DISCLAIMER
If you came across this and you get offended by what I’ve written here, you can’t hold that against me because (1) starting Oct 10 I’ve changed/omitted names and (2) this blog is 100% unpublicized. I’ve done nothing to advertise or invite people to read about me talk about things that happen to put people in a bad light (but like Taylor Swift says, you shouldn’t do bad things) because (3) this is literally a diary, only it’s online because my law-student hands are always too tired to write things down, and so I’m figuring out my life like this. Okay? Okay.
021018
posted on 2018-02-10 11:40 a.m. by Vanessa
I wanted to do some self-reflection before Lent begins… I’m planning on abstaining from speaking ill of others. I’m very nervous. Because I know how hard it’s gonna be. But if I do it successfully, I would end up being so much better of a person. More loving. Which is all that matters, really.

So last night I saw an old crush and it made me feel all sorts of giddy… and insecure. If I were skinny, or if I had clearer skin, would he notice me again? How many treatments do I have to go through to finally get clearer skin? Can I get a peel as soon as I get back from the beach so I could get rid of my acne marks? All these selfish questions… under the guise of me caring for myself. When I woke up this morning Kongkong has bombarded me with messages about Mamang’s situation, and I found it such a chore to be involved. There I was, hating on Mamang’s own children, yet also wishing it would all go away… that I would magically stumble upon millions of pesos just so I could pay this problem of hers to go away. All the while Googling LED face masks.

I’m skipping 12noon mass today so I could pray over this. I’m not saying I’m gonna quit hearing mass. It’s just today. And this noon. Because I’ll be attending the anticipated mass later in the afternoon anyway. Also, because I’m still thinking about yesterday’s homily: that may God open my mouth to connect. Not to talk, but to connect to people. To make good, loving connections. Because all I know is that being with Shynne and April has made backstabbing all that easier. I guess... the answer is to find a way to bond with them beyond backstabbing. I’m trying. I don’t want to boast, but whenever they’d talk about Issa, I’d always try to tell them to try patch things up by talking to her face to face. And that I’m afraid she’ll resign because of how toxic things are with her coworkers. But. I always say it jokingly. Because I could feel, in my heart, how out of character it is for me to be the one to say that. It takes a lot of strength not to fight, so they say.

tired - 2019-08-18
- - 2019-06-20
- - 2019-06-20
041619 - 2019-04-16
LB - 2018-10-02



same crappy self, different day | but here's to optimism