If you came across this and you get offended by what I’ve written here, you can’t hold that against me because (1) starting Oct 10 I’ve changed/omitted names and (2) this blog is 100% unpublicized. I’ve done nothing to advertise or invite people to read about me talk about things that happen to put people in a bad light (but like Taylor Swift says, you shouldn’t do bad things) because (3) this is literally a diary, only it’s online because my law-student hands are always too tired to write things down, and so I’m figuring out my life like this. Okay? Okay.
a crisis of my faith
posted on 2022-10-28 10:32 p.m. by Vanessa
Let me make a confession… I am an unhappy Christian. I’m stuck with thinking of how sinful I am, and how I should be a kinder person who lives her life praising, revering, and servicing God. I’m miserable because I don’t do it. The other night I was crying to ate Pau and ate Denz because I was afraid of Daddy not supporting us financially in the near future without Val being a doctor yet. He still pays for our rent, see. 1/3 of it.
Anyway, where was I. They were comforting me, telling me they were gonna help me because they loved me. And for the first time in a long time I felt like I must be doing something right… otherwise I would not be loved that much. At work I am constantly reminded that people merely tolerate me; and so to hear that… that was a bit overwhelming. When Roselle used to shower me with platitudes I would roll my eyes because she would say it so often I got so used to it.

Back to the point of this post. I am unable to be a happy Christian. When was the last time I felt happy? When Ate Pau and Ate Denz reassured me. Because that’s how you love people. You’re there for them. I am unable to reconcile God loving me, and then the shit that happens in my life… Daddy being sick, not wanting us to interfere, me getting COVID and still living with my constant lethargy and having to be indifferent about it because I have to trust that God has better plans for me. Plans to prosper me, the Bible says? Well actually yes. I am prospering. Old me would be so happy to see where I am. I just… have a hard time reconciling love and indifference.

Love towards God, and that my purpose is to praise, reverence and serve him. And the second part of the First Principle and Foundation is that I have to be indifferent to all created things insofar as they do not serve that purpose. Taylor Swift’s Midnights does not lead me closer to Christ. Giving up some things I love, but can live without, in order to make someone else’s life easier? That leads me closer to Christ. That gives my life purpose.

What’s the problem, then?

I just feel… meh. I feel exhausted all the time. And the fact that my finances are not so good, have not been since June? I’m feeling terrible. I feel like I’m not living well. By well I mean I’m not doing anything towards what I think is my purpose—to help people. Because of my financial constraints that I have brought upon myself AKA spending recklessly, I am unable to share the money I should have to those in need.

a crisis of my faith - 2022-10-28
a bunch of buts - 2022-10-04
scrounge - 2022-07-14
it's 2022, and I am all messed up - 2022-06-18
- - 2022-03-28