If you came across this and you get offended by what I’ve written here, you can’t hold that against me because (1) starting Oct 10 I’ve changed/omitted names and (2) this blog is 100% unpublicized. I’ve done nothing to advertise or invite people to read about me talk about things that happen to put people in a bad light (but like Taylor Swift says, you shouldn’t do bad things) because (3) this is literally a diary, only it’s online because my law-student hands are always too tired to write things down, and so I’m figuring out my life like this. Okay? Okay.
posted on 2023-06-07 6:56 p.m. by Vanessa
the good news is that I did not cry at work today, because I've gone back to forcing myself to cry in the morning.

the bad news is I was absolutely out of it all day at work. It wasn't even that busy, and yet I was so rattled, and had to ask my coworkers to help me out all the time. I hate it so much.

I mean, physically: every morning, I wake up and I look at myself in my underwear and I know I look hot. I know I'm at my best body ever. My skin is great, my hair is great, my brows done, my lashes done. I put on makeup. I go to the gym. I take protein. I eat my salads.

But at the same time, I haven't been enamoured with reading since January. Or even December. If I can go back to running, I can go back to reading.

Tonight my demons are beating me up again. If only I didn't speak up. If only I let him treat me that way: openly talk to me about the girls he met on Bumble. If only if only if only. If only I let him get away with talking to, probably even being intimate with this girl I went to elementary school with. If only I let him step all over me, and my beliefs. I'd still have him. How? With all those other girls? That 20-minute video call that I demand and he declines? Not being treated with respect? Being obsessed when he messages me? My heart racing when I send him messages?

It was never worth all the emotions and energy I invested. He is a lesson learned, but not someone I would want to go back to. My demons are telling me to beg, to try to win him over. But my guy friends are telling me pity isn't lust or desire. Yes I am asking for lust or desire. I'm this low now.

- - 2023-06-07
He taketh away - 2023-04-28
time can heal almost anything - 2023-04-24
the end - 2023-04-24
Why you should stop - 2023-03-24