If you came across this and you get offended by what I’ve written here, you can’t hold that against me because (1) starting Oct 10 I’ve changed/omitted names and (2) this blog is 100% unpublicized. I’ve done nothing to advertise or invite people to read about me talk about things that happen to put people in a bad light (but like Taylor Swift says, you shouldn’t do bad things) because (3) this is literally a diary, only it’s online because my law-student hands are always too tired to write things down, and so I’m figuring out my life like this. Okay? Okay.
posted on 2021-09-22 8:24 a.m. by Vanessa
the meeting host will let you in soon.

this Zoom call is supposed to last until 12NN, and it hasn't started yet. My nerves are killing me. I've been thinking about not going ahead with this whole thing because of the anxiety it's been giving me, but then I don't want to be a coward. Besides, God gave me this opportunity. Doesn't mean He'll give me a job here, but I'm sure it'll be a learning experience nonetheless.

I'm not a coward... My chest feels so tight though. I want to just lie down, I fully regret drinking coffee. I want to take a million deep breaths. I wish I worked out yesterday, but at the same time I wish I studied for maths more yesterday. I wish I wish I wish. I wish I opened my email on Monday night so I'd have the time to prep everything. I wish I didn't get this opportunity just so I wouldn't be this nervous. I wish I wasn't nervous and I'd make it out okay. I wish God would calm my nerves, and see that I want this. But most of all, I will whatever He wills. It's 8:28. The meeting starts at 8:30. Gonna go pee. Oh man my nerves are killing me. God bless me. Please Lord. Let me not space out. Your will be done.

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