DISCLAIMER
If you came across this and you get offended by what I’ve written here, you can’t hold that against me because (1) starting Oct 10 I’ve changed/omitted names and (2) this blog is 100% unpublicized. I’ve done nothing to advertise or invite people to read about me talk about things that happen to put people in a bad light (but like Taylor Swift says, you shouldn’t do bad things) because (3) this is literally a diary, only it’s online because my law-student hands are always too tired to write things down, and so I’m figuring out my life like this. Okay? Okay.
would you believe
posted on 2021-02-25 10:47 a.m. by Vanessa
Hi. Today is EDSA day, February 25th, Thursday. 10:33AM.

I'm writing to you because I want to remember these days forever. I'm always writing to you whenever I'm sad and anxious, but today I want to tell you how happy I've been feeling lately. To be honest I've been scared of writing about it for fear of jinxing it, waking up the next day or making a wrong turn and then finding everything burning, but I've been happy before. I know this amount of happiness may not last long. I'm realistic about this.

These past couple of days I've been having this routine which I love so much:

wake up
coffee
pray
make it to work, read on the way
gym
read until I fall asleep

I finished four books this month!!! Who is she? I read Flowers for Algernon in like, three days, The Sense of an Ending in one, and Conversations with Friends in like, three, too. I'm absolutely proud of myself. Never mind the fact that I have about 20 books next to my bed that I have yet to read, I read for fun anyway. If I'm not happy with what I'm reading, why should I continue?

And gym! Honestly. 30 minutes 3 miles is apparenly the average person's pace, and just reaching that for the past 12 days is making me so so happy. The reason I got into going on the treadmill lately is to prep for Mt. Apo in May, and Mt. Loay next week and honestly if it weren't for me buying the most expensive shoes I've ever bought--Merrells, I wouldn't be upset if the hiking doesn't happen. I'm just so happy about running everyday. I don't even beat myself up over a calorie deficit anymore because I am always starving after cardio. I mean... if I find out that I've gained weight over this I will definitely be upset, but it seems like I've been choosing to ignore these things that bring me nothing but anxiety, and focusing instead on the things that make me happy. Trying to, at least. Case in point: one of my coworkers has been acting super annoying lately, and I don't talk back. I talk crap about her, though. But I don't talk back. I should stop talking smack about her... but I just ignored her when she said something that pissed her off and I'm still proud of that.

I couldn't tell my best friends how happy I've been feeling lately because I guess, it seems insensitive. Roselle has been feeling so heartbroken and meh lately, and Naf is swamped with work. But I want to remember this forever. How happy I've been lately. How happy reading makes me. Even if I still want to throw out half the junk in our closets because we just have so much stuff now, even if my finances are so messed up because I have to pay for SSS loans, even if I'm absolutely terrified of going to the BIR next month... I am happy, now. 

would you believe - 2021-02-25
I hate myself - 2020-06-23
- - 2020-02-22
- - 2020-02-22
- - 2020-02-10



same crappy self, different day | but here's to optimism